Resolution Solutions!

 
By Rebekah Hunt
It’s that time of year again! The time of year when most people observe the age-old tradition of setting untenable goals for themselves based on a ceremonial date marking the change of the year according to an arbitrary calendar, while everyone else observes the only slightly less age-old tradition of writing articles on the internet about how New Year’s resolutions are meaningless because they involve setting untenable goals based on a ceremonial date marking the change of the year according to an arbitrary calendar.
Why bother addressing such a seemingly trite subject? Because what kind of writer would I be if I didn’t try to cram one more article about New Year’s resolutions into the already over-capacity market!
If popular opinion is to be believed, the major problem inherent in New Year’s resolutions is that once you make one, it’s bound to fail. If this is true, I would like to propose some possible New Year’s resolutions you can make that will help you defeat this chronological conundrum and succeed in the New Year.
1. Resolve to read less.
The benefits to this resolution are two-fold. First, if New Year’s resolutions are bound to fail, you can only gain from failing at this one. Perhaps more importantly, this resolution gives you carte blanche to ignore emails, text messages, and Facebook posts from your friends about what they had for lunch and from your grandmother about the top ten things that prove Obama is a radical socialist and probably eats babies when no one is looking.
2. Resolve to write less.
This resolution contains the same benefits as the previous one, with the added bonus that if you fail, you might end up finally finishing your novel by the end of this year and if you succeed, you’ll likely end up involved in far fewer protracted flame-wars with your conservative Facebook friends. Everyone wins!
3. Resolve to spend way more time on the internet.
Much like the first two, if you fail at this one, you’ll probably be better off for it. Maybe you’ll even develop a healthy tan and stop sweating and panting while you eat. If you succeed, however, there is always a chance that you’ll wind up going viral on Twitter, gathering thousands of followers, and getting a book deal that will be spun off into a sitcom thus securing you celebrity status, millions of adoring fans, and a massive fortune. Can you afford not to take that chance? No you cannot.
4. Resolve to fully dismantle your nuclear arsenal by the end of the year.
The major benefit of this one is that, unless you happen to be attending PSU and are also a major world power/bellicose rogue state looking to be taken seriously at the UN, you don’t have a nuclear arsenal anyway, so it’s literally impossible to fail at this one. Also, if you tell your neighbors about your resolution they will probably stop letting their dog make bathrooms on your lawn, just in case.
I hope that you find these suggestions helpful and I sincerely wish you all luck and success in the coming year. If you try any of my resolution solutions and they work for you, don’t you dare tell anyone you got the idea from me, because I’ll deny it. WE NEVER MET, GOT IT? Happy New Year!